Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of . . .

• THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
• THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
• THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
• THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
• THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
• THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)
• THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
• THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
• THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
• THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
• THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
• THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)