Technical Support

Image via Wikipedia

To those of you still trying to improve your computer skills, these Tech Support answers should help!

........................
Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have ?
Customer: A white one.
..............................................
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out !!!
Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button ?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.

Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk ... sorry. Thank you.
..............................................
Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?
...............................................
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you ?
Male Customer: Hi . . . I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on 'START' for me and . . .
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Billi Gates !!!
..............................................
Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print.  Every time I try, it says . . . 'CAN'T FIND PRINTER'. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it !!!
..............................................
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a colour printer ?
Customer: Aah . . . . . . . . . . thank you.
..............................................
Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am ?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.
..............................................
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer ?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.
Customer: Okay.
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Customer: Yes.
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard ?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please. . . . . . .. Ah, that one does work.
Thanks.
..............................................
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number ' 7'.
Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters ?
..............................................
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password ?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was ?
Customer: Five dots.
..............................................
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use ?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
..............................................
Customer: I have a huge problem ! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer . . . but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.
..............................................
Tech Support: How may I help you ?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.
..............................................
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows ?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine !
..............................................
And last, but not least . . .
Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean ?
Tech Support: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT !!!
..............................................
This has to make you feel better about your computer skills !

................

A, final word from the

Almighty Janitor

In the unlikely event I ever become president of a company, my first order of business will be to promote the janitor to executive vice president of Tech Support. Then I'll call him into my office and say "All right, Herb, I want you to tell me what's going on in the company. Care for a drink before we begin? I think I have a bottle of Scotch around here someplace."
"Lower left drawer of your desk," Herb will reply, "Right behind your box of El Puffo cigars, which, I might add, are excellent."
— Patrick McManus, The Good Samaritan Strikes Again, from tvtropes.org / pmwiki

Related articles

• Tech support reps know where the problems are (teleread.com)
• TeachParentsTech.org: keeping tech support a family business (googleblog.blogspot.com)

Write Programs

Interviewer: "Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?"

Bill Gates: "No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system."

10 types of people

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

DEBUGGING

DEBUGGING : Removing the needles from the haystack.

Endless Loop

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

Programming Style

"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure
to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration."
-Dijkstra

Wizardry Compiled

"The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea."
- The Wizardry Compiled - by Rick Cook

FORTRAN - primary purpose of the DATA statement

"The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change."
- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

C vs C++

"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
- Bjarne Stroustrup

BASIC programmers never die

BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don't RETURN.

Programmers Surprise

Real programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars don't turn from 99,999 to 99,99A.

FORTRAN

FORTRAN is not a language. It's a way of turning a multi-million dollar mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator.

C

C is almost a real language. Even the name sounds like it's gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we'll talk.

Programming is Never Finished

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.

Programming is Never Finished

Programming is 10% science, 25% ingenuity and 65% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

Computer Science

Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.

Programmers will understand it?

We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.

COBOL programmers

COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

Binary Interface

Computer interfaces and user interfaces are as different as night and 1.

Operating System of The Human Mind

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten 10% of its capacity, the rest is overhead for the operating system.